Deep Thinking

Dear Readers,
I am still writing daily, only most posts are on School Library Journal’s website. It has been down this weekend so I have a backlog of posts to upload. I hope you stop by there to visit practically paradise.

I asked my oldest son to describe our holiday this year and here are some quotes from him:
“It was a family-event this year. It wasn’t vacation as much as returning home. We couldn’t worry about gifts so we focused on people and the spirit of Christmas.”

My Christmas vacation was wonderful this year. Thanks to my brother, we were able to drive through the snow & ice storm to go to Iowa with three teens, a German Shepherd, a Border Collie-wannabe, and kitten. If you ever examine cell phone maps, I was in the part of the country that is usually white - meaning no service. When we would travel to the middle of the state or to Sioux City, we’d miraculously have service and I’d be text-messaging, listening to voice mail and calling people just because I could. We also had cable television with about 12 channels and dial-up internet that meant no one could be on the phone while we were on the computer. We survived. The only TV reports we needed were the weather at 6 and 10 plus a bit of Wheel of Fortune.

In fact, we thrived focusing on face-to-face contact with family and friends. We played so many card games, Mah-Jong, and Uno. We listened as nearly everyone played the piano and sang. The “children” trekked through the snow, set up rabbit traps, shot pellet guns at targets, built sliding hills, and covered themselves with snow. We cooked and we ate! We bundled up for the 17 mile car trek to the grocery store to sit in the deli my brother manages and chat with the people in the county we knew. We curled up and read. We did go window-shopping and ended up in the bookstores buying more books. We reminisced. My oldest son and I sang a duet of “Oh, Holy Night” for Christmas Eve services with me taking a high soprano part and him singing two octaves below. We hugged old friends and admired the growth of their children. We played competitive crossword puzzles and Sudoku with the women reminding the men of our superiority. #1 son’s girlfriend teased #3 son to smile, joke, and laugh with us.

My nephew & niece brought over their game systems and we watched all the children play Wii. I even managed a few rounds, until they reminded me that my name is not Grace and I have none. They gently put the cards back in my hand and suggested more solitaire. Every time I dealt out a solitaire game, someone joined me and we were soon playing Crazy-Eight, Go Fish, Rummy and more. Yes, there was some trash-talking going on during some of the bigger rounds. Competitiveness is high.

We talked about world affairs, the very real possibility of my oldest son’s deploying next week, the politicians that you can’t avoid all over Iowa for the caucus, the ending of the 26 years of owning the local gas station, the health of everyone in town and lack of national health care, depression, poverty, sadness that not all of the family could be there, Bible studies, old friends, my commitments to ALA and AASL, and family around the country.

The children had snow-ball fights, races, walks in the 8 degree temps, and visits to the local library. We watched as snowmobilers came through and threatened to run away with them through the countryside. The boys tracked deer through the woods, realized that they could fall into the creek through the ice, and wrestled amongst the glass breakables and decorations.

Perhaps the best part was watching my mother roll fresh Cinnamon rolls early one morning. As she squeezed, dusted, and pressed, her eyes suddenly misted over and she said, “This makes me think of your grandmother.” I hugged her and mentioned how I forget that Grandma and Grandpa Tom have passed over and still try to pick up the phone to call them to ask questions, check on recipes, and laugh over the goofy stuff my kids do.

I am hoping you had a timeless holiday this year and were able to celebrate being with people.

I have an accent problem. Depending upon the person I’m listening to, my accent changes. This was very noticeable yesterday when my sons were in the kitchen installing my coffee pot under the counter. I mentioned that I needed to “wash” the counter carefully when they were finished. They all looked at me and said, “Did you just say warsh?” Oops! You can tell I’ve been back in Iowa visiting my family.

Now, I am NOT saying that everyone in NW Iowa talks that way, just the people I was with last week. We have an interesting accent of higher pitched at the end (like Canadians), faster talking, Norwegian, German, Swedish, etc. sounds. I was accused of sounding Southern when I first arrived; although everyone in the South would say, “What Southern accent?”

When I was in college studying Chinese and Spanish simultaneously, I’d have to ask the instructors to just “talk at me” in the beginning of class so I could re-orient my thoughts. I could maintain a beautiful “government style” Mandarin Chinese in Taiwan as long as I didn’t run into someone speaking with a ShanDung accent. While living in Germany life was challenging. I’d be chatting in Chinese with a German accent, meet friends from Spain and switch to Spanish with a Chinese accent, then be back with my Greek friends all mixed-up.

My S2BX never had any problems with this. He maintained his flat Midwestern with a hint of Canadian accent everywhere we went. His biggest problem was the word “about” which is NOT the same in the south. I need to go hang out with my friends at the grocery store to re-orient my ear before next week or my students won’t understand a word I say. I’ll spend the first week correcting their speech to a perfectly bland American accent. If you eavesdrop, you’ll hear me saying these phrases: “Honey, that word is king, and it only has one vowel. This is a pen. This is a pin. There is a difference. I don’t want to hear the phrase “I’m fixing to…” unless you have a tool in your hand. Only bells “brung” people bring back their books.”

To make life more interesting, my library assistant speaks with a beautiful Cambridge accent and will have to tolerate me re-adapting. I don’t consciously mimic her when she’s not there, but her accent is stuck in my head. Queue up children and let us prepare for dismissal.

Argh! Maybe I will travel to the Sudan. I have been intrigued with the accents of some of my students’ parents. Maybe it’s time to mix-up my voice even more. For those of you I’ll be meeting in Philly for ALA Midwinter, I just hope you can understand me. We can always resort to passing notes.

I have always disliked the term “red-headed stepchild” because it places the blame for actions/inactions on others’ perceptions of us as less than worthy or undeserving. I remember vividly reading the Aesop fable about the Fox and The Grapes in first grade. The poor fox couldn’t jump high enough to get the grapes so he walked away saying “They were probably sour anyway.” (See the wikipedia description of this tale.)

So often our thinking is flawed and we rationalize away the issue when we are unwilling to tackle the problem and do what needs to be done to correct it.

Take the perceptions on equal or equitable representation in ALA for school librarians. If you truly believe we are under-represented on very important committees, you must be willing to DO SOMETHING about it. That means our school librarians must be willing to find a way or make a way to make things happen. We must be willing to volunteer and accept committee and leadership responsibilities. We must be willing to read through documents. We must be willing to seek funding and help to finance our serving at the national level.

It would be much easier for me to stay within my school and not attend long Midwinter and Annual meetings. (I still need a roommate or help for the last several days of midwinter this year just so I can afford the hotel room.) I decided the service to the profession was worth the sacrifice of time so I will go. It also doesn’t mean that I am more concerned with national things than local things. I am balancing my activities with philosophy and practicalness.

But in today’s world, I cannot be Cinderella waiting for some fairy godmother/godfather to swoop in at the last minute after everyone has left for the party to rescue me and send me on my way. I tried that this year.

I waited the night before AASL conference saying, “Is my check for payment going to arrive so I have funds? Will I find the funds I need to hop on a last minute flight and go to AASL? Will someone suddenly swing by my house and say “You are needed, hop in? and swoop me off to the conference? Will my soon-to-be-ex STBX hubby apologize for trying to bankrupt me and leave me penniless, destitute, and naked on the street with no home?”

Nope! Didn’t happen. I didn’t go to AASL and I’m sad. I know it was a wonderful conference because I read the blog accounts and talked to people on phone & via email. I cannot rationalize away the fact that I was unable to attend AASL by thinking it was no less than absolutely wonderful.

I can offer excuses - new principal, not enough prof’l leave time, no money, no roommate, no one to watch my son, school needed me for fall festival, and on & on. But the fact is that I wasn’t willing to work hard enough to achieve the conference. I wasn’t willing to make some of the sacrifices necessary to attend. I could have worked a second job or sold my Mary Kay. I made a choice to focus on representing school libraries at the ALA Midwinter conference instead of refueling at AASL.

I made a choice. I refuse to accept sour grapes. The conference was wonderful. What I am going to do is plan better for the future? I will not rely upon others for funding. I will save money as soon as this divorce ends and I’m not in the negatives every month. I will make a plan and I will take the steps to achieve my goals. Silly fox, should have planned ahead and found some branches to drag over to climb to reach his goals. Silly Cinderella, shouldn’t sit crying in the cinders because she wasn’t invited.

Many titles cross my desk. My mail carrier anticipates Saturdays when I open the envelopes in front of her to show her what’s coming out. We’ll oooh, aaah and talk about our sons in the military. She’s a definite “Fred Factor person” or I’d be worried that she saves delivery for only those times I’m home to share.

But a month ago a series arrived that has put me in a deep thinking loop. Bearport Publishing has some unique titles and series. Many of the titles are marketed to grades 4-8, but I believe it is important to review each series to be sure they are appropriate for my elementary library collection and those particular students.

One of their series is Crime Solvers including these titles:
* Cold Case File
* Kidnapping File
* Murder File
* Robbery File
* Serial Killer File
* Terrorist File

From their web site the series is described as: Children become top-notch detectives as they follow investigators on the hunt for clues in these riveting stories of real-life crime solving! Readers will be fascinated to discover how police officers, medical examiners, and private investigators use criminal evidence and forensic techniques to crack the toughest cases. Each book is written in a narrative nonfiction format that will grab kids’ attention and engage struggling readers.

Absolutely this is an excellent series to show techniques, research, and how many people working together solve problems. There are interesting details and most of the information is middle and high-school age appropriate. My guidance counselor and I have discussed how many children are staying up late to watch all the versions of CSI. This results in elementary students having extensive knowledge of some grisly, gruesome, and age-inappropriate topics, but I can deal with those in school.

I have been so torn over Terrorist File: The Lockerbie Investigation by Amanda Howard. When I first scanned the title, I noted the details, the process, and the accuracy of information. When I asked my library assistant from England to review the title, she was appalled that there were photographs of the simple device used to build a bomb that resulted in so many deaths. I tried the title out on my youngest son who stated “It’s just wrong to tell little kids how to do stuff that can be dangerous.”

This is the same son who is learning lock-picking techniques after watching a television documentary on locks, viewing numerous videos on youtube about the techniques, and locating web sites with detailed descriptions of the tools needed to be successful. We have had a serious discussion on ethics and morality of knowledge. He claims that he needs to be ready in case I lose my house keys. I reviewed his search and none of the sites offered information on the ethics behind this “skill.” (to be continued…)

I then sent this title to the local alternative school to test their reaction at the high school level. They were totally “cool” with the topic, presentation, and ethics of the title. Honestly they didn’t understand why I even hesitated at the elementary level to put the title in the collection.

Off to the reaction of middle school librarians. They were ecstatic to see this series and planned to order many copies because it is age-appropriate and high-interest. They laughed at our sheltered viewpoint of protecting elementary students from perceived “dangers” when information is available on the internet for building bombs and other devices.

Yes, there are directions on the internet for bomb-making. I did a limited 15 second search and review because I really didn’t want the FBI/Homeland Overreaction Committee/Internet Police to come to my house and ask why I’m looking at those sites and why my youngest son was searching for lock-picking tools.

So, am I fooling myself in thinking that this topic is inappropriate for my elementary students? Maybe, but I answer to the parents of my community, my administration, and my own sense of ethics/morality. I will be happily sending this title to a middle school librarian to use with her students, but after viewing my collection development plan, I have decided this is not appropriate for the educational needs of my students.

What would you have done?

I have been away from my blog while dealing with family issues and taking care of the boys. It’s hard to go from a household of 6 to just you and one son. I spent part of this week with one of my son’s in Missouri and wrote the following for the Soldier’s Chapel forum of parents that support each other. I thought you might enjoy hearing something of the behind the scenes. Information I forgot to include: I showed up to find my son has stitches over his eye and a chipped tooth from unarmed combat training (they ended up pulling the tooth). I witnessed platoons of soldiers that had those going on sick call at the very end of their PT runs. Many were on crutches or with slings. It just helped bring home how dangerous the training is that our soldiers go through. Hope you enjoy this info:

Support. Encouragement. Pride. Love. Guidance. Soda, candy, information, transportation, freedom. That’s what we have to give our family members and their new army friends. I just returned from Fort Leonard Wood and my 17 year old son Zachary’s graduation there. I couldn’t attend the Family Briefing on Wed. because I was still driving and didn’t arrive until 1:30 a.m. Thursday. I drove on post Friday at 8 a.m. to checkout my son and discovered that the CIF (Central Issue Facility) had decided one of his bags wasn’t clean enough so he was among the small group of soldiers that would be turning in the entire platoon’s re-dos at 11:30. So I faced 3 hours of standing in the hot sun, but he was happy to provide me with a cup of free coffee.

I had brought the Twizzlers, Starburst, and Sprite that he requested so I was able to stand with him in that heat and venture over the boundary tape numerous times to get things from my car. The first time I returned with candy and some photos. He showed me his photos and gave me things to take home so I returned to the car again. I brought back 4 cans of Sprite that time and discovered that he had two friends with him that were thirsty. They also needed someone to sign them out. One had no family attending. Another’s family was delayed traveling and wouldn’t arrive until 3:30 so there would be no way to sign them out then. The drill’s spoke to the family getting permission to exchange later and making sure we had cell phone numbers to connect.

So, I became mom to two more sons and earned some Drill Sergeant approval. I returned to my car for more soda while my son became the popular candy man distributing to everyone. Returning I found a female soldier beside him whose sister was lost in traveling and needed to be signed out. So back to the Drill’s we went again. Remember that these soldiers are terrified of approaching the Drill’s for anything trivial so each trip was major for them. DS Browne was so happy to see me because my taking responsibility for this additional soldier cleared her clipboard. The other Drill’s looked at me and I said that my van seats 8 so I still had room for 3 more. They told me that they would be looking for me at noon after their trip to CIF to take the left-over “rejects” because anyone left there was going to be put to work. I had to load up my new 3 soldier children and head to the PX while my son and his group did their CIF run.

I felt very needed at the PX. This was their first time to go shopping with money in their accounts and they needed some guidance. I was able to ask the tough questions at the cell phone kiosks and the electronic departments. I could ask them how they intended to transport some of the big items they were eyeing. One was saving every penny to help at home. Another soldier would have agreed to anything the salesman suggested. They definitely needed help the first trip because they were overwhelmed with the possibilities. These soldiers hadn’t been anywhere on post so we did a brief tour of everything they hadn’t seen.

We dashed offpost to Subway and I watched while the female ate her entire sub in the time it took me to dial the phone. I had brought two cell phones with me fully charged with LOTS of minutes so they were able to call family members and friends. We discovered the lost sister was somewhere on post and the CIF run was over so we went back on post to the barracks to pick up my son and hand him his sub to devour in 20 seconds.

While standing there the lost sister came wandering by asking for directions so we were able to reunite them. Because I’d signed her out, she was my responsibility. The sister had no transportation so she joined us in my van. We headed back to the PX for my son and the sister’s run through of the electronics department. Then we headed off post to the oh-so-exciting favorite stop of all soldiers – Wal-mart. Another of the soldiers in my care discovered his family was just arriving and since we had DS permission, I was able to hand him over to them in the Wal-mart parking lot. They had no hotel room, so I provided the phone number and directions to my hotel and they were able to get one of the last rooms there.

After everyone had gotten the shopping out of their system we headed to my hotel room. I had brought a couple extra pairs of swimming trunks for guys and offered them the opportunity to swim or sit in the hot-tub. Everywhere we went they met fellow soldiers and were able to physically greet them without restrictions so they could high-five and hug. They were always so excited and we took pictures every time a new soldier joined them.

Finally we entered my room where we had two beds to lounge on, several chairs, cell phones, and my laptop with the hotel free wi-fi. I had made sure the hotel had wi-fi because I don’t travel anymore without being connected. Those who’d bought PSP’s were able to connect, also. After half an hour they realized there was a TV in the room and they “asked permission” to watch. Then they realized they could put in CD’s and listen to music, update their my-space accounts, watch You-tube videos, and email their friends all in air conditioned comfort where they could relax, loosen clothing and take their shoes off. They told me it was heaven.

We left to eat at Aussie Jack’s since they were craving steak. When we entered the hostess immediately asked us what time we needed to be back so they could judge the crowds and serving. My son said this was the best meal he’d had in 9 weeks. They were beginning to get anxious 2 hours early so we headed back to post. They realized they had plenty of time so back to the PX we went for the batteries and books they wanted for their trips the next day.

At 8:15 we were back in front of the barracks even though they weren’t needed until 9 p.m. I am so glad we were early because there were already many families and few parking places. This time they did not let family members cross the tape so we stood together outside of the tape and met other families and took more photos. At 8:45 the soldiers started leaping across the tape and getting into formation. The drill’s reminded them to get rid of all contraband knives, guns, liquor, alcohol, etc. and we laughed as many soldiers remembered pocket knives and tossed them back to their families. The drill’s warned them not to touch any cell phones, iPods, game systems, electronics, etc. that night and searched their bags to see what they were bringing in. Then we began the wait for the slow-to-arrive soldiers. Finally at 8:59 we were down to needing one soldier whose family had called that they were lost on post. All the families stood silently outside the tape watching each car arrive as their soldiers were forced to stand in formation until 9:45 when the soldier arrived. I was irritated with the mother and family of the soldier because they didn’t seem concerned that all of us had waited so long for them. We listened to the Drill’s say that in the army if you weren’t early, you were late.

We watched the soldiers count off as they entered the building and laughed as one group was sent back because some of them forgot to count in the proper “two-three, drill sergeant” format. Then families wandered off to their hotels. I delivered the sister to her hotel 30 miles away and headed off to much needed sleep.

Friday morning I arrived at 6:30 for the 8:00 graduation. The bleachers were wet from being hosed down, but I didn’t mind. The drills’ had to keep telling family members to squish together to fit everyone in. The only mistake I made was not having cash to buy the DVD they were selling. I mistakenly thought I could write a check. Some soldiers had reserved theirs ahead of time. Those were sold on a first-come, first-serve basis so I missed out on the DVD. After the very short and moving graduation, we watched the pass and review, and then dashed back to the streets to watch the soldiers marching back to their barracks calling cadences.

The soldiers frantically ran up to gather their belongs, clean the barracks, pass inspection and be released by the DS’ to return outside and talk to their families one last time. I was able to sit on the ground in the sun with my son until noon when his bus arrived to take him to his next station for AIT (Advanced Individual Training). It was a truly special time for the two of us to chat, but I should have brought water. I had given him the last of the soda’s and drinks, but I hadn’t taken water for myself so was actually ill by the time I returned to my car.

Despite any rules about physical contact, my son was able to hug me a great deal and I was able to tell him how proud of him I was. He is so proud of himself and so excited about his new training. Basic training has shown him that he can accomplish anything and he says joining is the best decision he ever made.

Even though it was difficult to get the time off, tiring to drive 7.5 hours, and wearying to sit in the hot sun, I am so glad I went to Family Days/Graduation. My son was so excited. The other adopted soldiers were so happy and grateful to have “family” for them. Their family members were relieved that someone was there to support their soldier. I learned from my mistakes so I’ll be ready for my other son’s 36-hour pass this next weekend. I will definitely always have some cash on hand and I will bring extra water to refill my cooler. I’ll throw in my soccer mom chairs and a blanket in case I do need to sit in water or on the sidewalk. And, I will be willing to be the supportive mom to all the soldiers that need me.

After reading Eisha’s post about her recent move, I am even more determined not to move out of this house during my current upheavals. Let me share the story of my nightmare move in 1989.

First, I was still pregnant the week before the move. That isn’t really the beginning of the story, but it makes it more quizzical. I was due July 15th. July 1st they were sure I’d deliver #1 son. Nope. August 1st still no son. So, I finish my comps, I waddle through graduation gaining a pound of water a day and wearing flipflops on my feet on Friday. Wed. we induce because I announce to the doctor I’m moving come hell or high water so they’d better deliver that baby. Friday AUGUST 11th the baby is born. Sat. we leave the hospital. Sunday we go back to the hospital with me reacting to measles vaccine and bloodloss and baby in distress. Monday we leave the hospital. Tuesday we pack the moving truck with friends of ours driving the truck while hubby, baby, dog, and I drive from Iowa City to Chicago. Hubby gets ill on trip so I have to drive (yes, that is a no-no). We get separated from friends when Uhaul truck breaks down. We show up at apartment house to move into ground floor apartment, but there had been an electrical fire so no apt. ready. They decide to give us third floor apt. but that roof had fallen in and they weren’t done repairing it. No friends. No furniture. No funds. Apt. house sends us to a hotel for the night. Next day friends and truck show up, but they can’t help us carry stuff upstairs because they are late so they dump it all on the yard. I sit on mattress and cry because I can’t help carry anything from the severe hemoraging and blood loss I’d undergone. Thursday get into apt. and gradually carry everything upstairs. Friday begin work by going in to first teaching position as a librarian in Chicago. Have to carry ring filled with ice to sit on because not medically cleared for work, but no funds if not working. Hubby stays home and takes care of #1 son for two months.

HOW do we do this stuff? I kept telling myself about those women who delivered babies in the fields/forest/wars and then got up and carried them to safety.

As I look around the house, I cannot bear to move again. I have now spent ten years in one location after moving constantly for first marriage and second marriage to military man. I pity everyone who is moving this summer. I think I’ll just sit here and remember how terrible it can be.

Ignore the doom & gloomers. Reading is alive everywhere. I hope you can tell me where you were at 12:01 July 21st when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released. I wasn’t going to join the hoopla starting at 9 p.m. at my local Books A Million. Honestly, all I wanted was to get the book in my hands and start reading. I didn’t need to dress up and party - I just needed the book. Still when I popped in to get my voucher that day, the sales clerk said to me, “You look just like Lily Potter.” Oops, I was hooked. So I went. Restoring, refreshing, and invigorating. That’s what the experience was to me.

Every aisle was filled with people when I arrived at 11 p.m. As I wandered every child had 2 or 3 other books in their hands and were explaining to their parents why they needed them. Teenagers were chatting about different series and disdaining their parents who weren’t up on the newest titles. Families were grouped on the floors looking at books. Yes, there were lots of people in costume, but there were many quietly determined people like me just dying to get their hands on the book. The intercom announced we could begin lining up at 11:15 and everyone was very good-natured about it. They sorted the youngest crowd of less than 16 year olds to one side of the store and the more mature group to the other. Every aisle became part of the line which then snaked out of the store, through two more parking lots. They announced watch synchronization at 11:30, 11:45, 11:50, 12:00 and then the big ten second countdown.

The screaming and cheering outdid Times Square on New Year’s Eve. These were people screaming with excitement for — a book! The experience of connecting to a character that has become part of our consciousness, our culture, and our creative lives.

I was there to experience the thrill of the release. Will I ever have the opportunity to see so many people from all walks of life (my plumber, my mechanic, teachers, bankers, teens, children, grandparents) excited about reading again? I hope so. In the meantime I will store this experience in my treasure vault of memories as to why I love being a librarian.

Summer time confessions coming. I have not been posting regularly here because I have been reading! Yes, I have finished my Harry Potter and decided to read it again tomorrow. Just to be sure I have sunk every detail into my brain. But I have also been reading tons of other books - advanced reading copies, classics, old favorite series, favorite authors like Donald Harstad, Anne Perry’s WW1 series, Clive Cussler, and Grace Livingston Hill (sh!). I have spent time watching people this summer. Watching at the local bookstores and the chains, watching people reading in airports, watching people reading & working on their computers in coffee shops. And I have not been feeling too guilty.

But I have also been wrapped up in learning how to cope when two sons leave home for army basic training. I’m averaging writing them three letters each a week. I’m happy to receive at least one, usually two back from both of them. One son has been calling every week. The other one laughs in his letters “Phone calls? What’s a phone?” Maybe he’ll get to call Sunday. (Eternal optimist)

DId you know just how “with-it” the army is? They have photographers and chaplains that take photos of our soldiers at basic and post them on their web sites so parents can catch a glimpse of their child. Fort Benning has a forum for parents to post to each other so we can form electronic support groups. When I’m having a bad, sad day and missing the son who clipped the dog’s toenails, I can log on and find someone else who understands what this is like. When I see another parent write about their son’s deployment and their fears, I can empathize and be there for them electronically. When a parent writes and says they suddenly can’t be there for the 36 hour pass midway through the 14 week program, one of us can volunteer to adopt their child with our own. Support. Emotionally. 24/7 That’s what I love about the internet.

Chris Harris posted on SLJ’s Digital Reshift this week a new tool called WeFi - “A new social site is developing with the objective of mapping free wi-fi access points. WeFi uses an overlay on Google Maps to display recorded hot spots.?”

I downloaded the tool and have been trying it out. So far I have contributed more sites than found, but I am confident that others will join with us to unmask the myriad of places where free wi-fi is available in our communities. Today I rode around in a pickup truck with the laptop open just seeing how many hotspots were available in my community. I have already learned which businesses I will frequent because they have free wi-fi available. If you’d really like me to stay awhile, have access so I can work surrounded by people and feel like I am part of society even if I am actually doing some deep thinking on a school topic.